The Long Slow Burn
by pixelatrix
Summary: "You aren't alone in this, Commander." Fem Shep & Hackett pairing. Slight Spoilers for ME2 & ME3. Rated M for Language & Stuff.
1. Prologue

Prologue – The Hunt

**A/N:**

**A reviewer of another one short story of mine wanted to know how I imagined that Hackett and Shepard would've gotten together. The more I thought about it, the more this idea inspired me to write it. This is not connected with my other Hackett/Shepard story. **

**I'm setting this in ME2 though it might continue into ME3. It will be slightly AU-ish since I'm futzing with the timeline and adding Hackett in places that he might not have been. There will be a few spoilers here and there, but mostly the story is going to be "scenes" that weren't in the game so to speak. I have almost the whole story written, just a few chapters here and there. Just waiting for my beta who's been super busy. Anyone want to be my back-up beta? Lol **

**Prologue was not beta'd, so any mistakes are my own and not my fabulous beta's.  
**

**I am rating this M for language mostly, though later on there might be other more steamy reasons for that.**

**The Shepard in this series was a Colonist, Paragon and War Hero. **

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

"Admiral."

Hackett turned to find his Yeoman tapping lightly on the open door. He dropped the reports he had been reviewing onto his desk. "What is it?

"I've got the Commander of Team Delta on the Comm for you, Sir."

Hackett turned and waited patiently for the figure fade into view, "Commander."

"Admiral," The Delta Team Commander snapped a quick salute that Hackett answered. "We were too late, Sir. The body was already gone. We did find evidence that I am forwarding over to you. Do you have any further instructions for Delta Team?"

"Thank you for your diligence on this fruitless endeavor. No further instructions get back to your previous mission, Hackett out."

As the blue image disappeared, Hackett turned back to the reports on his desk with a sigh. He'd barely gotten through the first paragraph when another hail pinged on the Comm unit. He was surprised when he answered to find the Liara T'soni.

"Dr. T'soni." He greeted.

"Admiral Hackett." Liara paused for a long while, and then finally continued. "I believe that I may have something that you were looking for."


	2. Chapter 1 - Lazarus

Chapter 1 – Lazarus

**A/N: This is somewhat of a short, filler chapter, I need to get from finding...well not finding her body…but to her being alive. Most of these chapters will allude to things that happened in ME2, but will happen outside of those events, if that makes sense.**

**Shout out to Muslin for being a great back-up beta. **

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

"She's alive."

Admiral Hackett glanced up from the report on his desk to find his old friend Councilor Anderson storming into his office. Hackett's Yeoman followed, apologizing for the interruption. With a sigh, Hackett waved the young Lieutenant out of the room. As the door closed, he turned back to his old friend raising his eyebrow at the interruption. Anderson was pacing in front of the room with a datapad in hand. Hackett couldn't recall the last time that he'd seen the normally stoic and calm Anderson so amped up.

"Who is alive?" Hackett motioned for him to take a seat. "And why does it have you all up in arms? Shouldn't you be off placating politicians on the Citadel?"

"Thanks for the reminder," Anderson groaned as he collapsed into a chair, suddenly exhausted. He tossed the datapad across Hackett's desk. "Shepard's been spotted on Omega. The bastard actually managed to bring her back from the dead."

"How the hell did you get your hands on a Cerberus report?" Hackett remarked as he skimmed through the information on the datapad.

"It was repayment for a long overdue favor." Anderson grimaced at the memory, and then turned his attention back to Hackett. "She's alive, Steven, _alive."_

"So you said."

Anderson's eyes narrowed at the calm reply. "_Shepard_ is alive."

Hackett's tired blue eyes glanced over at Anderson, "I heard you, David."

"You spend weeks leading the search for her body which frankly should've been handled by a more junior officer and this is your response to hearing that she might actually be alive? Rumor has it that the Delta Team was diverted from a mission in the Traverse to hunt for her body." Anderson remarked skeptically.

"David, this might come as a surprise to you, but as Admiral of the fleets, I do _care_ about the marines under my command. Of course I was interested in the search for the Alliance's greatest hero. " Hackett bristled at the implication of Anderson's tone. "I also presided over the memorial to Shepard on Elysium and attended her funeral. Do you have a problem with those as well? Would you like to call into question any other actions that I have taken? You might be a Councilor now, but I believe I still hold the highest rank in the Alliance Fleet."

Anderson was momentarily stunned into silence.

"Was there anything else that you needed, Councilor?" Hackett spoke in a sharp, clipped tone that left no room for debate.

Anderson frowned at him but then decided to move on to other, friendlier subjects. Experience had taught him that trying to force Hackett to talk about anything was futile and doomed to failure. He shifted the conversation to the current status of rebuilding the fleet and other Alliance issues before finally heading back to the Citadel. There was something about Hackett's response that bothered Anderson; it troubled him all the way back to his office, something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Udina's annoying presence, however, quickly brushed it out of his mind.

Once Anderson was gone, Hackett spent the next few hours staring at a frame that sat on his desk. It was a simple white frame that held a pair of melted dog tags. The frame had been sitting on his desk for well over a year now. They'd been there since Delta Team had forwarded them to him. The name and identification number on the tags were almost illegible but looking closely he could just make out one word - Shepard. Hackett had spent a lot of time looking at the tags, he'd spent time wondering at how the damage to the tags related to what the owner had gone through. In truth, he was haunted by the tags.

His statement to Anderson had been true. He did care immensely for all the Marines under his command. It had seemed wise to studiously avoid the reasons why he'd focused so much effort and intent on the search for Shepard's body. Desperation had caused him to agree with Liara's plan to hand the body over to Cerberus; the decision had haunted him almost as much as the tags did. Cerberus was not known for keeping faith so the promises made to the Asari doctor regarding not to altering Shepard in any way could and were probably just empty words. Only time would tell if he truly had gotten his Commander back.

"Sir?"

Hackett turned to find his Yeoman standing in the doorway. "Yes?"

"Incoming message."

"Dr. T'soni." Hackett remarked as a familiar figure flickered into view. "Give me an update."


	3. Chapter 2 - The Return

**A/N: I've always been annoyed that the conversation with Anderson is so…kind. Shepard never calls him on how he seems to gloss over things in a way. **

**Also, I have no idea what the name of Hackett's ship is…so poetic license and all that. Mytikas is the Greek name for Mount Olympos. **

**Shout out to my Beta for making some brilliant suggestions:** Muslin

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews & favorites & follows, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Shepard's first stop once she'd taken command of the new Normandy had been to head for the Citadel. Anderson was the one person whose location was certain. As councilor, he was almost guaranteed to be arguing with the politicians somewhere on the Presidium. The hope had been that her former commanding officer and mentor would help her feel a little less lost in space. It had seemed right in theory, but reality hadn't really met with her expectations. The council was the council. Councilor Anderson had been polite, but incredibly diplomatic. He'd refused to talk about anything relating to the Alliance or her former crew. There was a layer of suspicion hidden underneath the camaraderie and concern that he showed.

Hours later in her private cabin, Shepard glared at her scarred reflection in the mirror. Commander Shepard? Though technically, she wasn't really part of the Alliance anymore, or maybe she was. Council Spectre? Though technically, she was only reinstated if she stayed out of sight in the Terminus Systems and didn't actually attempt to exert any Spectre authority. She had no idea where her friends had disappeared off to and no idea what to say to them if she did find them. Tali had been a pleasant surprise on Freedom's Progress, but the Quarian was off on some secret mission. Cerberus was like the plague, the moment it touched you, everyone stayed as far away as possible.

"Who am I?" She asked her reflection.

It was nice having Joker and Doctor Chakwas on the ship but it just wasn't the same as having an entire crew that you trusted and that trusted you in return. It was like someone had given her a carbon copy of the Normandy. It looked similar, it sounded similar but it felt like a shell. She felt like a fraud. With a sigh, she splashed water on her face and stepped out of the bathroom determined to wrap her mind around this and conquer it. Self-doubt had never been a problem before and she wasn't going to let it paralyze her now.

She headed down to the CIC in the hopes of provoking Joker for a little hint of familiarity. Ignoring the overly chipper Kelly, she took solace in the grumpy greeting from Jeff who was still trying to sabotage EDI. They set coordinates for Alchera in the Amada system. A visit to the lost was in order before she started recruiting on Omega. Miranda was beyond annoyed at the continued delay, which was a definite bonus. She headed towards the shuttle bay and walked right into her irritated XO.

"Where the hell are we going now?" Miranda asked as she followed Shepard into the elevator.

"To place a memorial."

"I beg your pardon."

Shepard's eyes narrowed at Miranda. "I'm placing a memorial at the site of the Normandy crash. And I am doing it alone."

"This isn't…"

Shepard stepped towards the woman causing her to close her mouth sharply. "I am going, and I am going alone. That is all. I'm the commander of this crew and you'd do well to remember that."

She could still hear Miranda's arguing about the wisdom of exploring the planet alone as the shuttle door closed. It didn't take long to find the wreckage, not nearly as long as it took for her to get the courage to open the door and step outside. The pilgrimage from one dog tag to the next took hours. She could remember the faces that went with each tag. Each one had family and friends who had no body to bury or mourn over. The tags might grant them a little closure.

She placed the memorial in the center of the debris field. Her mission may have been accomplished but Shepard found it impossible to head back to the shuttle. The yellow and black emblem mocked her as she resisted the urge to fire her pistol repeatedly at it. The wreckage was really the only connection to who she used to be and truth be told, she felt like perhaps she should have been buried beneath them. There was peace in death. Cerberus had bought her back to the utter chaos of a universe on the brink of war.

Alchera had a silence that allowed her to breathe deeply for the first time. The sound of a shuttle landing caught her attention and she turned in time to watch an Alliance shuttle landing beside the Cerberus shuttle. With her hand on her pistol, she watched cautiously as an Alliance solider marched towards her. The soldier held both hands up as if to demonstrate his coming in peace.

"Commander Shepard?"

"I'm Shepard." She nodded.

"Major Goden," He introduced himself in answer to her unspoken question. "I'm here to escort you to the Mytikas."

She frowned at the familiar name. "That's a Fifth Fleet frigate. Why is the Fifth Fleet requesting my presence?"

"There's someone who would like to speak with you, Commander. I'll escort you back here afterwards." He answered in an annoyingly vague fashion, while pointedly turning back towards the shuttle. "We can't allow a Cerberus shuttle on board. I am sure you understand."

Shepard stared at the damaged galaxy map off in the distance for a moment while mulling her options over. Finally, she headed towards the blue shuttle without another word. The Major followed her onboard. As the shuttle took off, he stepped towards her with a scanner as she removed her helmet. She frowned down at the scanner in his hands.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She moved back with her hands raised slightly.

"This will scan for tracers, bugs or any other kind of Cerberus tech that shouldn't be there. Wouldn't you rather know for certain?" He remarked, and then began scanning as she nodded in acceptance. "You're clear, though you might want to replace your omni-tool."

"I intend to replace it as soon as I have the chance." She collapsed into one of the shuttle seats. "Cerberus has eyes and ears all over the damn place."

The Major nodded in agreement and then turned back to talk to the shuttle pilot leaving her to feel relief that no odd tech was hidden in her body. Within minutes, the Mytikas came into view. Once onboard, Shepard followed Goden through the armory, up the elevator to what she assumed was his cabin. She stepped off the elevator expecting him to follow but the doors closed behind her leaving her alone to stare at the closed door to the cabin.

"This is very interesting, strange but interesting." She muttered to herself as she stepped through the door. "Admiral Hackett?"

Hackett looked up from the datapad that he had been reading on the couch. "Ahh, Commander Shepard, thank you for retrieving the dog tags, it didn't seem right for someone other than yourself to do so."

"Thank you, sir."

"At ease, Commander," he waved off her salute then pointed towards a nearby chair. "Please, sit. Anderson mentioned that you'd paid him a visit."

"I did." Shepard wrinkled her nose at the memory. "He was…"

"Cautious?" Hackett supplied.

She grinned. "Yes, he was cautious."

"David's always been a strange mixture of a rebel and a stick in the mud. He has to toe the party line at the moment and he has a very strong dislike for all things related to Cerberus. And unfortunately, to him, you now fall into that category." Hackett remarked.

"You don't seem cautious."

"I'm always cautious, Shepard." He said with a faint smile. "But I have no doubt that you are Jane Shepard. And I think that you need a real ally at the moment, not some feigned offer of support that will never arrive."

Shepard was silent for a long moment, and then finally asked the question that had been plaguing her thoughts since waking up on that damn operating table. "How can you be so sure that I am…me?"

Hackett reached out to take her hand in his. "The first stop that you made was to connect with Anderson. He's been a mentor and almost father figure for you since Mindoir. Only the real Jane would reach out for a familiar figure. As if that wasn't enough proof, you went straight from the Citadel to Alchera. I have no doubt that Cerberus has important missions for you, important missions that they see as critical. And in typical Shepard fashion, you found a way to snub your nose at their orders in such a way that they can't really complain about it. The Council's half-hearted support works in their favor as does your remembering the lost. It looks good on paper for their image."

The strong hand holding hers offered more comfort than the words that came with it. She found herself without the ability to respond. Alliance Marines do not cry in front of commanding officers. Her drill sergeant had always been incredibly outspoken on that point. Tears were a sign of weakness, no soldier under his training would ever dare show such a thing. She could almost hear him calling her a maggot in her head as she turned to the side while trying to reel the tears back in. Hackett didn't seem to notice as he simply sat there holding her hand in silence.

"Thank you, sir." She managed to mutter once she had gotten control of herself.

He squeezed her hand gently and then let it go. "Since you aren't technically Alliance at the moment, why not drop the Sir. Perhaps Stephen or maybe just Hackett if Stephen's too much of a stretch for you, consider me a friend and ally."

Shepard bit back a laugh, "I don't think I am the only person who enjoys snubbing their nose at what's expected."

"Indeed." Hackett observed as he stood and stepped over to a nearby desk. "I've compiled a few reports for you on Cerberus that might come in handy. Also, a mutual acquaintance sent a secure omni-tool for you to use."

"Mutual friend?" Shepard questioned as she looked at the small box he had handed to her.

"Dr. Liara T'soni. She was very insistent that you have an omni-tool that wasn't Cerberus issue." Hackett remarked. "I happen to agree with the sentiment. I wouldn't trust messages being sent through a Cerberus filter."

"Liara's a good friend. I'm glad to know that she kept in touch with you. I'll send her a message later; I'm guessing that she probably left her info for me." Shepard stared down at the box in her hands. "I should get back to the Normandy."

Hackett nodded. "You aren't alone in this, Commander. I am sure that The Illusive Man wants you to feel on your own, but you are not. That omni-tool will provide a secure method of communication to the world outside of Cerberus. Use it."

Shepard struggled to put her thoughts into words. "Isolation is a dangerous thing to feel, especially the long nights on a ship with no one at your back aside from a cranky pilot and a doctor. Friends are…"

"You're welcome, Shepard." Hackett interrupted her muddled attempt at gratitude. With a smile, he escorted her back down through the Frigate to the Shuttle.

The trip back to Alchera was a short one with Major Goden doing most of the talking. It wasn't until she was back in the seat of her shuttle that the wheels in her mind started to really turn over what Hackett had said about Cerberus. The Illusive Man wasn't prone to altruistic behavior. He was the type to have a reason behind everything that he did. Joker's presence on the Normandy was not a coincidence. She trusted him and Chakwas for that matter. But that didn't explain why the Illusive Man had brought them on board. Her fingers tapped out a beat on knee as she thought it through. Whatever the reason, she was glad to know that she was no longer standing alone. And she was damn well going to find out how the hell Liara got in contact with Admiral Hackett of all people.


	4. Chapter 3 - Nostalgia

**A/N: This is one of the more AU-ish chapters. I've always wished that they showed Mindoir somehow, so I figured I'd give a chapter to it.**

**Shout out to my Beta:** Muslin

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Shepard felt like she was dead on her feet. Her fingers tapped absently on the elevator button repeatedly as it slowly made its way up towards her quarters. The doors opened to reveal a pissed off Miranda leaning against the wall waiting for her. Between the two missions on Omega, then hunting down mercs on Lorek, the last thing that she was interested in dealing with was a Cerberus mouth piece. Then again, she never felt like dealing with her XO.

"Shepard," Miranda stepped forward. "EDI informs me that no data was recovered from operative Rawling's body. Kelly tells me that systems do indicate that a large message was sent from the planet to somewhere in the Arcturus system. EDI has no information on this, and I have been unable to determine what was in the message or who sent it."

"How very odd." Shepard remarked sarcastically as she brushed dirt off part of her armor. "Was there something else that you needed, Ms. Lawson?"

Miranda's eyes narrowed, "That data was…"

"Gone," Shepard finished the sentence for her. "We found nothing. I am sure that Garrus and Mordin will back me up on this."

"I find that incredibly difficult to believe." Miranda stepped closer, eyes now flashing with anger.

"What you believe is entirely irrelevant to me." Shepard stepped around her and into the cabin.

"I wasn't finished." Miranda followed her inside.

"I was." Shepard spun around stopping Miranda's forward momentum. "Now, if you don't mind, I am exhausted, and feel confident that you can find someone else to harass. Now get the fuck out."

Miranda started to argue but the look in Shepard's eyes stopped her, without another word, she turned on her heel and left the room. Once the door closed, Shepard ordered EDI to refuse any and all incoming messages. With a heavy sigh, Shepard collapsed backwards onto the bed and spent the next twelve hours staring at the passing stars.

Coming back from the dead was a complete mind fuck, if she was honest, Shepard found herself thinking constantly about the past. Mindoir had never quite been far from her mind, but lately, it was even more prevalent. She hadn't been back to the planet since that night the Alliance found her hiding. So many years had passed, and she had never taken the time to visit the memorial or see if the farm was even still standing. The future and even the present felt so incredibly confusing, perhaps the past was the key to finding her footing again.

*Two Days Later*

The Attican Traverse was close enough to the Terminus Systems that Shepard managed to avoid yet another argument with her XO. Joker agreed to a little subterfuge to allow her time to fly the shuttle to Mindoir alone. EDI had apparently believed that some things should be kept private and failed to notify Miranda or Yeoman Chambers of anything pertaining to Shepard's whereabouts. The damned AI was starting to grow on her.

Mindoir had changed a great deal since the last, terrible night that she had been there. The farms had been rebuilt. The memorial in the center of the town listed the names of all the lost souls. She ran her fingers over the familiar names of friends and families that she had known. Her hand stopped once she found the two names that she had been looking for. She traced the letters with the tip of a finger while blinking back tears.

From the memorial, she made her way slowly through the town to a small plot of land on the outskirts of the main part of town. The farmhouse had been demolished. There was a fence that ran around where the house had been. A sign attached to the gate indicated that it was private property. The fence seemed to go the entire distance of what had been their little family farm.

Hopping the fence, she made her way to the edge of the nearby forest. She knew that some of the trees had been there before her parents even settled the land while others they had planted before she was born, saplings that had grown up along with her. It took her an hour to find the one that she was looking for.

It was an old, gnarly looking tree that held more than a few memories for her. It was where she had hidden when the Batarians had attacked. Clambering up into the tree, she found what she had been looking for hidden in a hole between the branches. She pulled out a small container that was sealed in a waterproof bag. Discarding the bag, the box opened to reveal a collection of photos.

They were of her family. Some were so old that they dated back many generations. Her mother had pushed the box into her hands the night of the raid. The sirens had been echoing through the night, a sound that she never quite managed to shake from her nightmares. Her father had gone out the front door to take down as many Batarians as he could, while her mother shoved her out the back door. While she had shivered in the branches, the screams had resonated across the fields. The screams haunted her more than anything else.

The Alliance had arrived too late to really make much of a difference to the colonists. Those that weren't killed immediately had cried long into the night. From the tree, Shepard hadn't really been able to see much of anything. It was a fact that she had always been grateful for in the long nights that followed. A passing Alliance patrol under Anderson's command had given her the opportunity to escape.

"I had a feeling that I would find you here."

Shepard glanced down to find Hackett at the foot of the tree. "How?"

"Chakwas let me know that you were heading to Mindoir." He remarked. "How did I know about the tree specifically? I don't think that I will ever forget the report that Anderson filed on the young survivor that he found on Mindoir."

"Right," Shepard muttered as she jumped down from the tree, box in hand. "I'm surprise to find everything is still standing, aside from the house itself."

"The farm was purchased with the express intent of preserving it as is. The buildings were I believe burned down by the Batarians." Hackett said while waiting patiently for her to gather her thoughts. "You look exhausted."

Shepard choked on a laugh. "Thanks. Do you know who bought the farm?"

He looked slightly uncomfortable before finally responding. "I did."

She stopped walking to stare at him in shock. "Why would you buy this farm?"

"It just didn't seem right for it to be rebuilt or demolished even further." He shrugged.

"When?" She asked.

"After Elysium, after the first Normandy was destroyed," he answered. "There were several corporations that were looking to profit from your sudden rise in the ranks. 'Come see the place where the great hero was born.' It was distasteful. I can be very persuasive when I wish to be."

Shepard stepped through the trees with Hackett following. She stopped at one of the older trees. She touched her hand to a carving that was just barely visible in the side of trunk. It was a trio of initials along with two sets of dates, one of which Hackett recognized immediately.

"My parents did this the year they came to Mindoir, this first set here. They added my initials and the date that I was born later." She stared at the letters and numbers until they blurred before her tear filled eyes.

Hackett watched as the Commander collapsed to her knees with her hand still outstretched covering the carvings. Grief that had never been given a voice seemed to be crushing her from within. He stepped forward and then knelt beside Shepard. With gentle hands, he pulled her into his arms. As she buried her face in the front of his shirt, Hackett gently rubbed a comforting hand in circles on her back. Her shoulders shook though she never uttered a sound. He had never seen such silent agony before and it damn near broke his heart.

As she slowly regained control of her emotions, Shepard became aware of a several important facts. The first was that Hackett's arms around her felt amazingly good. It felt like a missing puzzle piece had fallen into place, it was also something that she was not prepared to consider any deeper. The second fact was that he smelled really, really good. So good that it took a tremendous effort to resist the urge to lean closer and breathe in deeply. With a barely audible "thank you", Shepard pulled herself out of Hackett's embrace and stood. She used her omni-tool to scan an image of the tree, and then turned back to the now standing Admiral.

"You keep turning up when I least expect it." She remarked as they headed back to town.

"Coincidence."

"Coincidence?" Shepard raised an eyebrow at him incredulously.

Hackett just shrugged then placed a file in her hands. She glanced down at it to find that the deed for her family farm had been signed over to her name. It took several longs moments to reign in her emotions, when she looked up the Admiral was gone.

"Coincidence my ass," Shepard muttered as she headed back to the shuttle.


	5. Chapter 4 – Insanity

**A/N: This plays out between the mission to Purgatory to get Jack and the Grunt mission. I love Anderson's character in Mass Effect. I do. But I love angst a little more, so he's going to be used in this series to provide a little bit of that. **

**Major props to my fabulous beta - **Luminara Unduli

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Shepard sat in a corner of the rebuilt Flux nursing a glass of what was supposed to be whiskey. It tasted a little like fermented liquid Vorcha but Shepard knew beggars could not be choosers. Her father would roll over in his grave to hear that watered down shit was being called whiskey. Now that she thought about it, Zaeed might be a better source for the good stuff as far as liquor was concerned. She'd have to remember that the next time that she felt like getting completely piss ass drunk.

At least Rita still remembered her help from what seemed like so long ago and gave her a secluded table practically hidden from view as well as keeping her well supplied with whatever the amber liquid was. It had been a long week. It felt like her life was filled with an endless stream of long weeks since waking up in a lab.

The visit to Purgatory had not gone as planned though it was successful and they now had Jack. She wasn't entirely convinced that was a good thing. Joker had a point when he had said there was only so much crazy one ship could handle. Though, at the very least, she knew for certain she could trust that the biotic was not a Cerberus stooge.

"Commander Shepard."

"Councilor," she looked up at Anderson with what could only be described as mixed emotions. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"Just stopping by to see how you are doing."

"You're usually a much better liar than that, Anderson." She swirled the whiskey around in the glass for a bit. "I've been meaning to ask you about Alenko. I haven't heard a thing about him anywhere, not even on the extranet. Is he ok? Where is he?"

Anderson looked the most uncomfortable that she could ever recall seeing him. "I can't give you information about Staff Commander Alenko."

"It's the uniform, isn't it?" Shepard pointed in the general direction of her fatigues.

"The other councilors are wondering if you intend to remain on the Citadel for long."

She took a swig from her glass before responding.

"No. I will be sure not to linger on the Citadel any longer than is absolutely necessary. I wouldn't want to disturb the precious calm of the Council by giving anyone an impression that impending doom is heading this way."

"Don't be childish, Shepard." Anderson said. "I am in an untenable situation at the moment."

"Do you know what I find _untenable, _Anderson? This conversation, and you to be even more specific. It is amazing to me that the man who risked his career to let the Normandy chase after Saren is suddenly afraid to ruffle the feathers of politicians. It's like I don't even know you. I was only mostly dead for two years," Shepard observed with a sad smile.

"Sarcasm doesn't become you."

"Cowardice doesn't _become_ you," Shepard retorted with annoyance.

"Cerberus…"

Shepard stood so abruptly that she knocked her glass over, cutting off whatever he had intended to say. "Cerberus is your enemy, I get that. But they brought me back to life. And at the moment, they seem to be one of the few willing to acknowledge that I even exist. No one else is looking into the attacks on these colonies. The Alliance does not want me; the Council doesn't want to acknowledge me. Would my dying for the second time make life more convenient for you, Anderson?"

"Of course not, don't be ridiculous. I was beyond happy to discover that you were alive," Anderson argued. "But this isn't just about your resurrection. It's more complicated than that."

"The truth is never complicated. The truth is simple. Politics are complicated," Shepard observed. "Now, if you don't mind, I'll just get back to the Terminus system."

Shepard stormed out of Flux just barely resisting the urge to slam her fist through a wall, or window, or Anderson. Her temper rose with each step fueled by hurt at his reaction but also a healthy amount of self-doubt. Cerberus wasn't the ally that she wanted to work with. She was Alliance blue through to her bones, yet the Alliance, like the Council, wanted to disavow any mention of her at the moment. The death of a hero was a sad celebration. Bringing a hero back from the dead? That was apparently a fucking nightmare for all involved.

A shout from behind let her know that Anderson had followed her out of the bar. She was so intent on reaching the elevator before Anderson could catch up that she walked head-first into the person exiting it. A pair of hands reached out to steady her on her feet. She looked up to find that they belonged to Hackett.

"You know, Admiral, running into you once is a coincidence, but three times feels more like a conspiracy," Shepard said with a grateful smile. "Or maybe it's the first level of stalking."

"Udina happened to mention that in spite of his advice, Councilor Anderson was heading to Flux in order to speak with you." Hackett's shrewd gaze took in the anger still lurking in her face before continuing. "I take it from the thunder in your eyes that he found you."

Shepard shrugged. "I am apparently nothing more than a complication at the moment."

Anderson caught up to them before Hackett could respond.

"I wasn't finished, Shepard," Anderson said slightly out of breath.

"I was," she shrugged.

"As the representative for humanity, I am in a difficult position. I have no real sway with the other races, yet I still have to work carefully so we are not completely ignored. You are unfortunately a fly in the ointment at the moment." Anderson observed with a sigh.

Shepard glanced at Hackett and then finally back to Anderson. "Have I asked for your influence on either the Citadel or with the Alliance? I came to see you that first time because I assumed that you'd be happy to see me alive. I foolishly believed that the man who saved my life on Mindoir might just want to hear that I was still breathing."

"Shepard…"

She held up a hand. "Don't worry. It won't happen again."

"Perhaps it would be wise for us to take this somewhere other than the middle of the Zakera Ward?" Hackett suggested.

Shepard let the Admiral drag her and Anderson into a nearby store that was vacant and allowed a bit of privacy. She smirked at the Admiral before turning her attention back to her former mentor. "What do you want from me?"

"Cerberus isn't to be trusted." Anderson started. "I want you to be careful."

"We are all on the same side." Hackett pointed out.

"Strictly speaking, Steven, we are not all on the same side," Anderson argued. "She works for Cerberus. She's wearing a god damn yellow and black set of fatigues with that damn insignia on them. She isn't with us. And as they have proven in the past, Cerberus is an enemy of the Alliance."

Anderson's words knocked the air of Shepard's lungs. She felt as if a Krogan had just head-butted her in the gut. Cerberus wasn't an ideal partner in this mission against the Collectors. But she had never considered herself to be an enemy of the Alliance. Her emotions threatened to boil over as she channeled the hurt the only way that she knew how: rage.

"You really are a god damn broken record," Shepard's voice rose angrily ignoring the warning hand that Hackett had placed on her arm. "I have nothing further to say to you about Cerberus. I have a limited amount of options and there are people dying while you stand there in righteous indignation spouting about how evil the only group trying to save the colonists is. It is not the first time that I am going to be facing an enemy alone and it probably won't be the last. I'm sure that everything will work out just fine. But I will be certain to remember that we are no longer on the same side."

"Cerberus…" Anderson tried to start again but was cut off by a scream of sheer frustration from Shepard.

"David." Hackett gave him a warning look before turning to Shepard. "Take a deep breath, Shepard."

"With all due respect, I don't like breathing in the scent of bullshit, Sir." Shepard glared at both of the men before turning her back on them and heading out the door. She was a step away from the Normandy when she remembered the supplies that Gardner had asked her to pick up. She turned and ran right into Admiral Hackett for the second time. She bit back a laugh as he reached out to steady her once again.

"Anderson means well," he said.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Intentions are meaningless to me. Intentions are meaningless to the thousands of people disappearing on the colonies. Why isn't the Alliance doing more to protect them?"

"Anderson has also spent way too much time with Udina. As for the colonies, we are doing the best that we can. The colonies out in the Terminus system don't seem to want our help," Hackett fell into step beside her. "Did you know that there is a rumor going around that the Purgatory went down in flames right after a visit from a formerly dead Spectre?"

"How fascinating," she grinned innocently. They continued towards the Zakera Ward and her anger slowly started to dissipate. She watched Hackett out of the corner of her eye. "No idea where that rumor came from, don't recall ever visiting a prison ship."

"Mhmmm. Then you must have a doppelganger according to the vid feed that I saw. I also find it incredibly fascinating that every store on the Citadel seems to be your favorite," Hackett said with a smile.

The smile caught her off guard for several reasons. The biggest was that when his lips quirked up in her direction, her heart did a series of what she assumed were jumping jacks. Shepard was trying to get her brain to function enough to speak when she glanced up to find the Café in front of her.

Shepard stepped into the store to order the supplies and try to slow her heart rate back down. The man had just smiled, it wasn't earth shattering. It seemed wisest to simply pretend it hadn't happened at all. Once the provisions had been purchased, she glanced back to find Hackett still standing there. "Was there something that you needed, sir?"

Before he could respond, an Alliance Lieutenant ran up with an urgent message. With a smile of apology, Hackett was gone and Shepard found herself staring at the empty space where he had been. Sighing, she started back towards the Normandy. Hackett was so not good for her emotional well-being.

"I am losing my damn mind," she muttered to herself before stepping into the airlock. "Losing my god damn mind."


	6. Chapter 5 - Complications

Chapter 5 – Complications

**A/N: To assuage my guilt over my habit of dogging Alenko; I have started writing a pro-Alenko fic lol. Alenko lovers, consider yourselves warned. Also, lots of swearing.**

**Shout out to my Betas:** None. All errors are my own.

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Running away was becoming an increasingly familiar theme in Shepard's life. Though in her defense, most of the time, she was running towards aliens with larger weapons and the occasional giant, floating bug. She had run way to Intai'sei this time though. The retirement home that she had won off Ahern in what seemed like another lifetime was surprisingly untouched, even the key code had remained unchanged. She was equally surprised to find no dust or other indications that it had been left alone for two years. Perhaps Liara had stopped by periodically to check on the Place. It was a wonderfully desolate refuge from the overly cheerful Chambers and the incredibly moody Miranda.

Shepard trudged through the hall dead on her feet. It was bad enough to have lost another damn colony to the Collectors but finding out the Illusive Man had essentially baited them into attacking was too much to take. The very idea caused her blood to boil. It was discomforting to know that the enemy was so very interested in anyone associated with her. It was equally upsetting to realize just how far the head of Cerberus was willing to go in his mission to _aid_ humanity.

The reunion with her former squad mate should have been a joyous moment. Then the world fell out yet again. Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko. The name stuck in her throat and threatened to choke her. They'd been lovers once upon a time. It hadn't really moved to anything more serious, but she'd depended on the emotional connection more than she realized. He had the balls to call her a traitor. Traitor. She'd tried to shake it off, but in truth, she was working with Cerberus. In another lifetime, she would've called herself the same damn thing. His mentioning of Kahoku had been just as much of a punch in the gut.

It had been a shitty day from start to finish in all honesty. Alenko had just added insult to injury. Garrus' awkward attempts to comfort her had been kind but not helpful. Sparring might be the Turian solution for every-damn-thing, but the only people who Shepard wanted to hit weren't on the _Normandy_. Though, taking shots at Miranda might go a long way to improving her mood. It made her wish Wrex had been on Horizon, he would've just shot Alenko in the head and been done with it. Krogans were so wonderfully uncomplicated when it came to things that pissed them off.

It had taken all of her self-control not to shove Kelly through the airlock when she started asking questions about her relationship with Kaidan. Shepard had never been fond of anyone in the psychiatric area of medicine. Hell, she was fond of anyone that had doctor in their name, Chakwas being the exception. Shrinks liked to fuck with the mind. And the last thing that she wanted was Ms. Cerberus trying to fuck with her mind. The Illusive Man was doing a brilliant job of that all on his own without the added help.

"Fucking bastard," she muttered to herself while stripping off the god damn Cerberus issue uniform. "Fucking Cerberus. Fucking yellow. Bullshit color. Bullshit fish too. Fucking Cerberus fish."

There had been a tiny colony of dead fish floating at the top of the aquarium in her cabin when she had gotten back from Horizon. Never mind how pointless it was having a giant tub of water in her cabin that she couldn't use. Damn things. No matter how hard she tried, she could never remember to feed the stupid things. It was a miracle the hamster was still alive. And no way in hell was she going to take Chambers up on her offer to feed the fish for her; she wasn't stupid enough to grant the little snitch access to her private quarters.

"Fucking fish."

She was still muttering to herself when a rather large box sitting on the floor in front of the terminal grabbed her attention. The note on top indicated that it was from a friend who thought that yellow and black just weren't her colors. Inside, she found several sets of casual fatigues. They looked Alliance issue but had no insignia on them. The familiar blue hue brought a smile to her face. Without the Alliance crest, Cerberus couldn't do a damn thing if she chose to wear these instead of the ones that they had provided. She glared at the yellow and black uniform that she had abandoned on the floor and barely resisted the urge to set fire to them.

Feeling slightly better about the world in general, Shepard headed into the bathroom. Showering on the _Normandy_ was always a rushed affair. EDI had assured her numerous times that there were no monitoring devices inside. It hadn't changed how she felt about it though so anything bathroom related was done as quickly as humanly possible. Even after having Kasumi scan the room for hidden tech, it was impossible to feel anything other than overly cautious where nakedness was concerned. In the privacy of her own home however, Shepard allowed the heat of the water to wash away some of the stress that had built up over the last few weeks.

She walked out of the bathroom over an hour later with a towel wrapped around her torso. She used another smaller towel to dry her hair. The hot shower had done wonders for her. It was like weeks of dirt and strain were stripped away. The relaxation didn't last long however as she became aware of a change in the room. The Cerberus fatigues were no longer on the floor, but neatly folded on a chair. Tossing the spare towel down, she reached for her pistol before rounding the corner on full alert. Her eyes darted around looking for the intruder.

"I do hope you aren't planning on shooting me."

Shepard stopped short at the sight of Admiral Hackett on her couch. Mindful of being clad in only a towel, she collapsed into a nearby recliner carefully. She set her pistol on the edge of the chair. Hackett was the most casually dressed that she'd ever seen him, in jeans, shiny black shoes and a crisp, striped long-sleeve shirt. He was reclining in a chair with his feet propped up on a nearby table. She refused to acknowledge how good he looked or how he continued to have an effect on her heart rate.

"Admiral." She snapped a half-hearted salute in his general direction. "It's good to see you though a little unexpected."

"I keep telling you not to do that." Hackett waved off her salute. "I brought you a gift of sorts, something that belongs to you. I've just been keeping it safe and thought that perhaps it was time it made its way home."

"Ok?" Shepard looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

He stretched out a hand towards her. His fingers wrapped tightly around her outstretched hand for a few long moments with an inscrutable look on his face. He seemed to struggle with himself for a while as if trying to figure out what to say. Releasing her fingers, he stepped back and was once again the no-nonsense Hackett that she knew so well.

Shepard glanced down to find a pair of melted tags in her hand. The name was barely legible, but she recognized the name and N7 number. On Alchera, she had wondered why her tags weren't among the missing. Her helmet had been there but no tags. They felt good in her hands. She thought for several longs minutes before finally reaching back out towards the Admiral. With a tiny metallic ping, the tags dropped back down into his hand.

"Jane?"

The use of her first name caused her to completely lose track of her thoughts. Not his use of her name necessarily, but the way that it sounded on his lips. It conveyed more than she thought a word could. With tremendous effort, she attempted to remember what the hell she'd been about to say.

"Keep them. Please. I don't know what is going to happen on this mission. I don't…it's another damn suicide mission. The only kind that get sent my way apparently. The idea of my tags being left on a Cerberus vessel or worse with the Collectors is unbearable." She said simply. "I'd like to know that a friend, someone who I trust, has them."

His fingers clenched around the tags as he stared off at the red dust clouds in the distance for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he turned back towards her with a penetrating look in his eyes, before she could decipher the meaning, it was gone. And once again, he had the "Admiral" shield in place that blocked any sort of emotion.

"I will gladly keep them safe for your return." He tucked the tags into his pocket. "You will return for them, Commander. That's an order."

"I don't take orders from you, Sir," she grinned. "Not on your side, remember?"

"Bullshit," Hackett disagreed. "You might not be on an Alliance vessel at this precise moment. But you're still on our side. You've earned your rank and your reputation. Don't let someone else's ignorance take that away from you."

Shepard found herself suddenly lost in the strength of his blue eyes. It was impossible to shake the impact that this man was starting to have on her emotions. Turning quickly, she moved away in to try to collect her thoughts. Taking a deep breath, she tried to clear her head. She could still feel the strength emanating from him across the damn room.

"Is something wrong, Jane?" Hackett asked.

"Of course not," she shook her head, keeping her eyes focused anywhere but on him.

"Are you sure about that?"

The words were spoken from just behind her right ear. She had been so focused on not looking that she had missed his movement towards her. Strong hands came up to gently grip her bare arms as he turned her around. His blue eyes sparkled as he leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on her lips. He squeezed her arms lightly once again and then with a second kiss and a wink, he was gone.

"Well fuck me," Shepard mumbled before collapsing on the nearby coach. Her legs seemed suddenly unable to hold her up. "Life just got a lot more complicated."


	7. Chapter 6 - No Rest For The Wicked

Chapter 6 – No Rest for the Wicked

**A/N: This is one of the more AU chapters. It's just a silly, nonsense type chapter really at least the first half. But I had fun with it, particularly the beginning. I've got the next five chapters written ..mostly.**

**No beta for this chapter, all errors are my own.  
**

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, follows & favorites. They keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Garrus and Liara had insisted on a night out on the town after the mission on the Shadow Broker's base. Garrus had insisted actually, Liara had been dragged along after realizing that Shepard was a walking zombie. Exhaustion was starting to take its toll. The Collector Vessel that the Illusive Man wanted them to investigate wasn't going anywhere; a day's delay wouldn't be the end of the world. Halfway through the third bottle of whatever Matriarch Atheyta had given them; they realized that Shepard was asleep on the table. They half-carried half-dragged the groggy Commander up to a room that Liara rented for her and then headed back to the bar to catch up with each other.

Twelve hours later, Shepard awoke to find herself in a strange bed with a pounding headache. Damn Asari booze. The strange bed didn't concern her as much as the Batarian with a pistol pointed her direction did. Her eyes flicked around the room looking for her weapons, she finally found them on a table across the room behind the intruder. Once he'd been dealt with, she intended to have a long conversation with a certain Turian about leaving weapons beyond her reach.

"Balak sends his regards."

There was a smile on the fucker's face as he raised his weapon and fired point-blank in her direction. Shepard dived off the bed, rolling as she hit the floor to take cover behind a couch. A second shot reverberated around the small room. She risked a glance around the edge of the couch and found the Batarian dead on the floor. Hackett stood behind him with what looked like a custom-built pistol in his hands.

"They didn't give me the uniform because I look good in blue." He nudged the dead alien with his foot. "You had a plan, I assume?"

"I was working on it." She stood and stepped around the couch. "It would have involved throwing things."

His gazed dropped down and Shepard realized that she was wearing little more than a t-shirt. She ran a hand across her eyes for a moment, pondering the cruel joke that fate kept playing on her. She considered her options before finally deciding that she had nothing to hide. Dropping her hand, her brown eyes met his, daring him to comment.

"I guess the Batarians are still pissed off about that whole thing on Terra Nova." Shepard remarked trying to appear calmer than she felt.

"So it would seem." Hackett reclined back in a chair, seeming completely oblivious to the half-naked woman in the room and the dead alien at his feet.

Shepard found his calm incredibly aggravating. A sudden desire to unnerve him took over while she glanced around for her clothes. They were on the floor on the other side of the bed. With a smirk, she stepped around the bed towards them. Bending over at the waist, she collected the clothes while giving the Admiral a great view of her barely covered ass. She pulled on her cargo pants then turned back around to find Hackett looking a little hot under the collar.

"You all right, sir?" She grinned at him and his eyes narrowed. Her pulse starting racing again when he stood and headed towards her.

Before he could move any closer, Garrus and Liara stormed into the room with pistols drawn. They stopped just inside the room staring at the body on the floor. Garrus looked from the body to Hackett and finally over to Shepard who was leaning against the wall trying to appear nonchalant. Garrus gave her a questioning glance.

"It's complicated." Shepard shrugged.

Hackett took his leave, though the look in the Admiral's eyes told her that whatever had just happened would be revisited the next time they were alone. It sent a shiver up her spine as the door closed on him. Liara gave her a shrewd look but thankfully left it alone. They turned their joint attention to the dead Batarian on the floor.

"Well, like they say on Earth, no rest for the wicked." Shepard remarked with a sigh. They bent down to take care of the body before heading back to the _Normandy_.

****Two Days Later****

The entire non-Cerberus crew of the _Normandy_ was seated at the Dark Star Lounge various drinks in hand. The Illusive Man's deliberate deception of the disabled Collector vessel had gone down like a bitter pill. Jack had muttered about mutiny ever since, from the looks the rest were giving, they appeared to agree with the biotic for the first time since she joined the squad. With a sigh, she reminded them that it wasn't possible at the moment and that they had needed the information.

Shepard left them to their anger and drinks to head to one of the other wards. Knowing the Shadow Broker had proven to have some serious benefits, Liara had managed to find an address for her. She made her way through the Alliance quarters on the Citadel using her blue fatigues to blend in. It took a moment but she finally found the door that she was looking for. Drawing on inner strength that her mother would have more accurately called stubbornness, Shepard reached up to press the comm unit requesting entry.

"Shepard?" A surprised Kaidan stood on the other side of the now open door.

"We need to talk." Shepard said fueled by alcohol and her anger at Cerberus. Without waiting for a response, she pushed past him into his apartment.

"Is something wrong?" He stepped back to allow the door to close.

She pulled out a picture frame, tossing it across the room at him like a missile. "That was something that Cerberus felt my private cabin needed."

"Jane."

Shepard raised a hand to stop him. "I got your letter of apology. There are some things that sorry simply doesn't cover. I think calling me a traitor might be one of them."

Kaidan stepped towards her, stopping when she moved further back. "I was just…"

"I am not interested in what you were, or in any further apologies." She cut him off. "I dedicated my life to the Alliance. Hell, I gave my life for the Alliance. I gave my life to save my crew which included you. Cerberus brought me back to life. And fool that I am I thought maybe there might be something left between us."

"It was a surprise. I wasn't ready." Kaidan stammered reaching for her hand. He winced when she jerked away from him.

"I risked my life trying to save that colony. And you stood there like a self-righteous jackass questioning my every move without giving me a chance to respond. You threw Kohuko in my face as if I could ever forget what those bastards did to him." Shepard's voice rose with each word. "You accused me of betraying you…of betraying the Alliance."

"I meant what I wrote in that letter," he interjected.

Shepard turned away, staring at the plates stacked neatly on his kitchen counter. "Yes, yes you did. But there isn't a later for us, Kaidan. We aren't the same people that we were that night before Ilos. I had hoped that we could be friends at least, but fuck that."

Before he could respond, Shepard was gone. She strode angrily back through the apartment hallways. She wasn't sure who she was most angry with at the moment. If there was anything that Mindoir and the Collectors attacks had taught her, it was that life was simply too short to waste. In truth, although she was furious with Alenko, there was no deep emotional attachment left to feel sad over.

She was so lost in her fury and thoughts that she looked up to find herself lost. The Alliance kept quarters for visiting officers and she seemed to have found herself in the middle of a labyrinth of hallways and closed doors. Pulling up the map on her omni-tool, it took a moment to find the nearest exit. The sound of raised voices caused her to duck around a corner. Alenko was apparently chasing after Councilor Anderson.

Unable to hear clearly, she started to edge closer when a strong hand clamped down on her shoulder. She glanced back to find the twinkling eyes of Admiral Hackett observing her in amusement. He pulled her away from the two arguing men down the passage towards one of the nearby apartments. He pressed a few buttons and then stepped inside with her once it had opened.

"Alenko seems rather wound up about something at the moment." Hackett motioned for Shepard to take a seat.

"He just realized that sorry isn't a magic word. It doesn't erase mistakes. I'd wager that now he's looking for someone else to blame." She remarked with a shrug. "Alenko has never been good at accepting the consequences of his actions."

"He's a fool." Hackett poured two cups of coffee. He handed one to Shepard then took a seat across from her. "You seem fairly wound up yourself."

Shepard took a sip from the mug, letting the warm liquid soothe some of the frayed edges of her temper. "It has been a long few days. Unfortunately for Alenko, he made a very attractive target for my anger and frustration. I really did think the lack of Cerberus fatigues would help with the constant barrage of mistrust."

Hackett started to speak but was interrupted by a visitor at the door. He answered only to have Anderson step in without bothering to wait for an invitation. The Councilor paced the room completely oblivious to Shepard's presence. She was trying to decide whether she should say something when he started to speak.

"We have a problem, Steven," Anderson started then stopped short as he finally caught sight of who else was in the room. "Uhm, I'll come back later."

Shepard took a deep breath before setting the coffee down with exaggerated care. "Don't bother, Anderson. The traitor was just leaving. Thanks for the coffee, Admiral."

Anderson stepped in front of the entrance to block her path. "Why _are_ you here, Shepard?"

It was one simple question but it was the emphasis and tone that Anderson infused the query with that caused her temper to finally explode. She was so angry that her biotics flared for a moment before she reigned herself in enough to cause the blue glow to disappear. Anderson stood his ground as Shepard advanced on him, her fists clenched at her side.

"I am all out of patience with questions. You can all go fuck yourselves. God damn pretentious pricks sitting in comfortable offices and pretending like the Reapers are just a myth and colonies aren't actually disappearing." Shepard raged at him. "I never imagined that Captain David Anderson would turn so fully into a politician in just two years. I don't think that even I recognize you anymore."

"That is completely uncalled for." Anderson countered. "I'm not the one parading around with a Cerberus insignia on their vessel or being funded by the terrorist organization."

"Would it make you feel better if I got myself spaced for a second time?" Shepard asked. "Maybe I should've died in the fields on Mindoir with my parents."

"Do you ever stop to consider what your father would think about his daughter working for Cerberus? It would be a point of such pride, I'm sure." Anderson regretted the words the moment that he had said them. But it was too late.

Shepard slammed her fist into Anderson's jaw. Before she could follow it up with a second hit, Hackett immediately stepped between them. He placed one hand on Anderson's chest and the other held Shepard's arm firmly. Anderson rubbed a hand tentatively over his jaw, testing to see if anything had been broken. Hackett turned his attention to the now trembling Shepard to keep her from launching herself at the Councilor for a second time.

"Anderson, perhaps you could come back later?" Hackett asked though the tone implied it was less of a request and more of a command.

Once Anderson was gone, Hackett led Shepard back to the chair. He tossed the coffee in her cup into the sink and filled it with a healthy dose of scotch. He placed the glass in her hands then pulled up a chair so that they were seated with their knees touching. She emptied the glass in one swig, ignoring the burning as the strong liquor coated her throat and helped her calm the fuck down.

She found herself wanting to laugh. The desire gave way to tears instead as she found it impossible to stop her emotions from boiling over. Anderson had been a second father to her for so long. He had been the person that she went to for advice throughout her career. He had always looked out for her, been there since that day on Mindoir. She had seen his letter among the Shadow Broker's files. He had defended her. She just couldn't understand the dichotomy between his defense and his lack of trust. Hackett held her hand gently while the tears fell.

"Is it possible that I just punched Anderson in the face?" Shepard finally regained some semblance of control and set the now empty glass down.

"Distinctly," Hackett looked the most amused that she had ever seen him.

"That is not funny." She tried but failed to stop herself from laughing.


	8. Chapter 7 - Only Human

**A/N: **

**Shout out to my Beta:** None, all mistakes are my own. Sorry lol.

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Grissom Academy loomed in the distance as the _Normandy_ entered the Petra Nebula. They'd received permission to dock the shuttle; Shepard wanted to drop David Archer off in person. She'd become attached to the young man. The whole crew had tried to make him at ease on the jump from the Typhon System. He had spent most of his time on board with Thane in the quiet solitude in Life Support. The Drell was seriously the strangest assassin that she had ever met. Shepard had written a detailed report to Hackett & the director of the school to make sure that they were aware of the trauma that had occurred on Aite.

Once they had gotten David settled in his new quarters on Grissom Academy, one of the teacher's led her to a private office. The room was empty so Shepard took a seat and killed time reading through messages on her omni-tool. She was just sending a note to Joker about their next mission when the door slid open.

"Jane."

"Hackett."

Shepard closed her omni-tool and stood ignoring the jump in her pulse at the sight of the Admiral. She was ignoring that response a lot lately. EDI had even mentioned that her heart was developing an irregularity when Yeoman Chamber informed her that there was a new message at her private terminal. EDI wanted Dr. Chakwas to monitor the situation. Shepard told them both to fuck off in the politest terms possible.

"I received your files on the Teltin facility on Pragia as well as Project Overlord." Hackett shook his head in disgust. "Sick, twisted bastards"

"Indeed," Shepard agreed.

As Hackett stepped closer, Shepard found herself lost in his eyes and lost in the scent that was distinctly Hackett. It was equal parts scotch, coffee and soap. There was nothing fancy, no cologne, just something so essentially male, something so very Hackett.

"Shepard?"

She shook herself from her thoughts only to realize that she was practically nose to nose with the Admiral.

"I can't do this." Shepard started towards the door.

Hackett stepped between her and the exit with an inscrutable look on his face. He folded his arms across his chest as he leaned back against the door. With the door now blocked, Shepard stopped mid-step to glare at the immovable object now in her way. The corner of Hackett's mouth lifted up in response.

"Is there anything that _you_ can't do, Commander Shepard?"

"Dance," Shepard's amused response was immediate, followed a moment later by a second thought. "Cook anything other than MREs and coffee. And the coffee, I have been told, is suspect."

"I don't think I can recall having ever made you nervous before now. Is there a particular reason that you feel the need to bolt from the room?" Hackett asked.

Before she could protest, his right hand shot out and grabbed her by the arm. He placed the fingers of his left hand against the center of her wrist. The smile on his face widened as he realized what she already knew, her heart had started to race the moment he stepped into the room. His thumb caressed the sensitive skin along the wrist bone. The predatory gleam in his eyes wasn't doing much to calm her pulse.

"Is this something that you can't do?" He stepped towards her with his hand still wrapped around her arm. He lifted her arm so that he could brush a kiss against her wrist.

"I…" Shepard's words stuck in her throat as his lips moved from her wrist to her neck, his hand moving from her arm to brush the hair from her eyes.

"You taste better than I imagined." He whispered against her ear before stepping back. "But this is not the place to pursue that thought any further."

Shepard blinked a few times while her mind tried to catch up with her libido. She glanced over at the incredibly smug looking Hackett who was now sitting calmly as if nothing earth shattering had just happened.

"Humanity is definitely worth fighting for." Hackett remarked. "It's something that you can do, something that you do better than anyone."

"I'm only human after all."


	9. Chapter 8 – Confessions

**A/N: **

**AU-ish, in particularly in that any delay of a day or two doesn't cause the captured crew members to be liquidated. =)**

**There are definite spoilers here.**

**Shout out to my Beta:** None, all mistakes are my own.

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Thanks so much for the reviews & follows. I know this isn't a pairing that everyone gets LOL. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

One last mission, it wasn't a difficult mission just one stupid raid on a Blue Suns facility. In retrospect, there hadn't really been a need for the entire squad to go. The trouble with hindsight is that it doesn't give one the ability to change a damn thing. Miranda's idea for the squad to go had been a sound one at the time. Yet when EDI's emergency message came in, it had cut through Shepard like a bullet.

Back on the _Normandy_, she sent a few quick messages off including one to Liara. The new Shadow Broker responded almost immediately with files that she had gathered on the Collectors and the Omega 4 Relay. It also included the current location of a certain Admiral who had occupied a little too much of Shepard's thoughts. The note included not only the coordinates but also the security code to his private quarters.

"That crafty little…" Shepard headed down to the CIC to talk her plan over with Joker.

Joker and the newly unshackled EDI not only agreed to the detour, but also to keeping the real reasons private from the rest of the crew. Jeff seemed to think that it was about damn time someone did something for Shepard. She spent months hopping from system to system running errands for Cerberus and for the squad, trying to earn their trust and no one bothered to do a thing for her in return. The _Normandy_ docked at the Citadel for _repairs_ and the Commander hopped on a rapid transport to Arcturus Station

Kasumi had of course overheard the plan and had forced Shepard to de-militarize her outfit a bit. The thief had over the past few months taught Shepard several tricks to extending the length of her cloaking abilities. So dressed in jeans, a white N7 tank top and a leather jacket, Shepard blended into the crowd heading off the transport with relative ease. It was disturbingly simple to sneak into the officers housing. Thanks to her Asari buddy, it was equally easy to break into Hackett's apartment.

Uncloaking, she unabashedly snooped around his home since he hadn't returned from the office yet. It was sparse but it didn't feel barren. There were no frills to the décor. If it didn't have a purpose, it wasn't in his home. She ran her hand along what must have been an antique wooden desk imported from Earth. It sat in the corner partly covered with datapads and a half empty coffee mug. She picked up one of them to scan through the report then tossed it aside. There were a few photos that looked like old family portraits on the hallway wall as she casually walked into his bedroom. The bedroom was equally simple with just a bed, chair and a bedside table. The one extravagance in the entire home was a rather large mural of the Argentine coast that filled the entire right wall.

She was about to back out of the room when a glint of silver on the bedside table caught her eye. Stepping closer, Shepard recognized her old dogtags. The sight of them beside his bed, along his pillow made her heart do somersaults. With a gentle caress of the pillow, she turned around to head back to the living room to wait.

Thirty minutes later, she heard voices approaching the door. Cloaking herself, she stepped back just in time as Hackett entered the room with another Alliance officer. The two men talked for a while before finally separating. Hackett was walking past her after seeing the other man out when he reached out and grabbed the cloaked Shepard by the arm.

"Identify yourself." Hackett's voice was a low growl. His other arm came up to press against her throat.

It took Shepard a second to respond because she was momentarily stunned over how sexy the man in front of her really was. Instead of simply identifying herself, she leaned her head forward enough to blow on his arm hair.

Hackett immediately dropped his arm with an exasperated sigh. "Shepard."

"That would be correct." She reappeared.

"Do I want to know how the hell you got into my sealed apartment?" He headed into the kitchen to grab glasses and a bottle of his favorite scotch.

"An Asari did it." Shepard sank into a seat in the living room. "I wanted to see you before…"

"Before what?"

Shepard found it incredibly hard to speak all of a sudden. The number of lives now depending on her weighed heavily on her shoulders. All hint of happiness disappeared as she realized that perhaps the detour to Arcturus had been a delay that wasn't entirely wise. She glanced up to find Hackett shaking the glass of scotch in front of her to get her attention.

"What's wrong, Jane?" He took a seat beside her on the couch.

"My crew," she spat the words out as her anger came rushing back. "The Collectors stormed the _Normandy_ when I wasn't there. Joker was the only one left on the ship when I got back with my squad."

Hackett reached over to gently hold her hand. "I am so sorry. Damn bastards."

"I will get them back. I am going to get them back." Shepard stared down at the hand holding hers. "We're going through the Omega 4 Relay after them. The Collector base is on the other side."

Hackett was stunned into silence for a moment. "When?"

"We're going through the relay once I get back to the _Normandy_. I won't leave anyone behind, I'll save them. Or we'll die trying." Shepard stood and paced the room.

"Another suicide mission?" Hackett remarked.

"I've made a career on them." She shrugged.

"Just don't forget to come back from this one." He stood and pulled Shepard tightly into his arms.

"Aye, Aye," Shepard muttered against his shirt. She leaned back to place a hungry kiss on his lips and then stepped back. "I didn't want to disappear without saying goodbye. I never got to say goodbye on the first _Normandy _to anyone that mattered. I never got to say all the things that seem important in those last moments. Then my oxygen was leaking and on one was there to hear my last confession."

"I'm always listening," Hackett assured her.

She smiled at him as she started for the door, stopping just in front of it. "If I'm going to die, if I don't get a third chance, you need to know that you have…that you mean a lot to me. That I…"

Hackett never found out what was at the end of that sentence. Shepard found that confession wasn't always good for the soul; it was fucking terrifying for the soul. Instead of finishing, she disappeared figuratively and literally.

"God speed, Jane," Hackett's soft words followed her out of the room. "Come back safe."

Several days later, Hackett found himself sipping scotch in the officer's lounge on Arcturus. There was something infinitely amusing to him about listening to a group of officers gossiping over their beers. He smirked as he sipped scotch. The men would probably not refer to their whispered rumors as gossip, but Hackett believed in calling a spade a spade.

Rumors about the sudden spike from the Omega 4 Relay had reached Arcturus the day before and it had been hard not to show any outward appearance of concern. No news on what caused the spike, and that concerned him the most. He'd even tried to contact Dr. T'soni; she had nothing to share aside from her own concerns. There had been no word on the _Normandy_ or its crew since they entered the relay. Years of ships disappearing on the other side, never to return, were not a comforting thought. The drink in his hand turned tasteless as he pondered losing Shepard for a second time. They'd been dancing around each other since her return. With a sigh, he left the half emptied glass on the table and headed for his quarters.

He stepped inside, unbuttoning his shirt as he moved through the living quarters. He draped the shirt carefully over a chair before stepping into his bedroom. Hackett stopped short when he caught sight of Shepard sound asleep on his bed. She was in the blue fatigues that he'd given her. He ran gentle finger along what looked like a new, just healed scar along her neck. There were a few bruises and scrapes along her arms and legs. Her eyelids flickered before sleepy brown eyes met his blue ones.

"Hi," she grinned tiredly up at him. "Look, not dead."

Before he could respond, Shepard scooted over on the bed. Reaching up, she tugged Hackett down with her right hand firmly gripping his undershirt until he was lying beside her. With a soft sigh, she shifted around until his arms wrapped around her and her head rested against his chest. She mumbled something about scotch and soap before drifting off to sleep yet again. With his chin resting on top of her head, Hackett tightened his arms around her. Sleep never came for him that night. He simply enjoyed listening to the breathing of the woman in his embrace.


	10. Chapter 09 – Take The Hit

**A/N: I didn't call this The Long Slow Burn for nothing lol.**

**Shout out to my Beta:** None, all errors are my own.

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

"Bosh'tets," Tali swore.

"Agreed," Shepard laughed at the indigence in the Quarian's voice.

"Goddamn political bullshit." Zaeed stepped out of the airlock.

Shepard was dropping off the crew on the Citadel. Hackett had sent a message that was short and to the point. "Earth is calling. Take the hit." Instead of risking the brig for the ones who had fought beside her, she had insisted on leaving them safely to go their own way. Joker and Dr. Chakwas were the only ones that would make the jump to the Sol system with her. There had been long arguments in particularly with Garrus and Tali before they finally accepted her decision. Grunt had already been left on Tuchanka and strangely, Mordin had departed there as well. Miranda and Jacob had disappeared the moment the _Normandy_ docked at the Citadel.

"This is fucking stupid." Jack strolled past.

"So you mentioned." Shepard shrugged.

Jack had spent the last few days on the ship trying to convince Shepard that they should just go off and play pirates. As tempting an idea as it was, the Commander had just laughed the idea off. Running away wouldn't stop the Reapers. It was better to die fighting then running away. Granted, if the Alliance kept her in the brig, her part in the war would be incredibly short.

Garrus didn't bother speaking when he dragged Tali away. He had expressed his opinions on her decision in private and finally realized that Shepard had no intention of listening. He offered a wave before the two disappeared in an elevator. Shepard turned back towards the Normandy only to find the last of the crew waiting for her.

"They will not understand why you destroyed the relay," Thane said.

Shepard shrugged. "No, they won't."

Thane nodded as if he understood and with that, he was gone. Like Kasumi, he simply vanished from sight. Shepard smiled for a moment and then turned back towards the airlock. Once inside, she told Joker to head for Earth. Shepard took one last walk around the _Normandy_ after they docked in Vancouver. Afraid that they would toss her hamster and models, she had hidden them around the ship. The fucking fish were still dead and she hadn't bothered to replace the damn things. Her damaged N7 helmet had been left in Dr. Chakwas' hands for safe keeping. She had dressed down in Alliance issue fatigues that Liara had somehow gotten her hands on.

Stepping out of the airlock an hour later, Shepard found Anderson in his dress blues waiting rather impatiently with what looked like a fucking mountain of a marine. She was glad in the end that she had dropped off the rest of the crew. The mountain apologized quietly so the Admiral couldn't hear him before slapping a pair of cuffs on her wrists. If Grunt or Garrus had seen her in cuffs, it might have caused a massive inter-species incident. There was no doubt in her mind that Hackett's attempts to curtail the inquiry had failed. Jack's idea of being a pirate suddenly seemed less ridiculous than it had days ago.

"Assholes." Joker hobbled out of the airlock followed by Chakwas. Joker stopped to glare at Anderson for a moment, then continued past. "See you around Shepard."

She nodded at him then watched the last of her crew walk away. Finally, Shepard turned her gaze back to Anderson. With a sigh, she let the young marine lead her towards the nearby Alliance headquarters. He introduced himself as Lieutenant James Vega. Vega informed her that the Alliance Council was a bunch of pendejos if they couldn't see what a hero that she was.

"Pendejos." Shepard chuckled all the way into the building, only sobering when Anderson removed the cuffs to escort her into her new 'home away from home.'

"Shepard…" Anderson started.

Shepard waved off whatever he had been about to say to make himself feel better. "Look on the bright side, Anderson. You always said that I was one foot away from the brig, now I'm in it."

"This is not a joke." Anderson frowned at her.

"On the contrary," she disagreed. "This is the best example of a farce that I think I have ever seen."

"That's enough, Commander."

"Enough?" Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Lieutenant, I believe that I would like to be left alone."

"Aye, Aye, Commander." Vega snapped a salute in her direction, and then escorted Anderson out, locking the door to her _cell_ behind him.

"He is very, very large." She muttered to herself while talking a glance around the room. It was nice for a prison cell. She collapsed backwards on the bed with a sigh. "Well, shit. Maybe I shouldn't have punched Anderson in the face that time."

Two weeks later, Shepard hadn't really moved much. There were a few things that she now knew for absolute certainty. The first was that Anderson was still pissed off at her, no real surprise there. The second was that there were thirty-seven sidewalk lines visible from the window. She knew that for certain because she had counted them at least six times just today alone and it was barely nine in the morning. Her father always warned that idle hands were dangerous things and hers were beyond idle at the moment.

By the time that Vega brought lunch, Shepard had rearranged very movable piece of furniture in the room. She had also dismantled all the chairs and put them back together again. Well, she had attempted to put them back together. James took one look at Shepard, who was now under the bed poking at parts of the frame and bolted, leaving the tray of food on the nearby table.

Shepard ignored the food and went back to trying to find a way to make the bed firmer. She was tired of sleeping on soft beds. She was so used to sleeping in hard Alliance bunks that it was starting to drive her batty. Or maybe, it was the silence that was driving her up the wall and the bed gave her something tangible to blame. In the end it was irrelevant, the bed was annoying and she was going to poke it into submission.

"What the hell are you doing down there?"

Shepard glanced out from under the bed to see Hackett squatting beside it looking at her like she'd lost her damn mind. She shrugged and shifted back underneath the bed. She'd barely reached up towards the frame again when a hand reached towards her and dragged her out from under the bed.

"Hey!" She glared while brushing the dust from her clothes. Hackett glanced around the room with a confused frown. "I might have moved some of the furniture around a bit."

"A bit?" Hackett tried but failed to hide his amusement. "Are we boring you, Commander?"

"Not you specifically, Sir." She remarked, enjoying the warmth that she felt at his smile. "Not quite sure that I'm a Commander anymore, either."

"Details."

"Important ones," she said as she sank back down on the bed.

"How are you doing, Shepard?" Hackett asked with Vega lurking by the door trying to appear invisible.

Shepard glanced between the two men for a while pondering how to answer such a loaded question. "I'm fine, sir. I've faced worse."

Before Hackett could delve deeper, Vega reminded him that the Council meeting was to begin in five minutes. With a sigh, the Admiral said his goodbyes and followed the Lieutenant out. Two months later, Shepard hadn't seen him again. The daily routine hadn't changed much either. Three meals a day followed by sheer, mind numbing boredom and the occasional questions from various Alliance brass.

Imagine the audience naked, that's what her mom had always said about speaking in public. Trouble was that imagining the council naked hadn't really done a damn thing to help her relax. The last meeting had ended particularly badly when Shepard had suggested that they just bring in the damn firing squad and get the agony over.

Vega had found it particularly amusing. He kept muttering about firing squads then doubling over with laughter. The Lieutenant was the most Krogan like human that she had ever seen. Wrex would love him. She'd found herself having to resist the temptation to ask him if he'd gone through the Rite of Passage yet. Jokes were only funny when everyone understood them.

"Careful, Vega, you keep laughing and they might decide to toss you in the brig with me." Shepard remarked as he escorted back to her cell.

"I could use a vacation," he replied. "Soft beds, soft women and free food."

"Who's soft?" Shepard raised an eyebrow.

Vega started to respond but stepped at the sight of the two Admirals waiting by the door. "Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned the firing squad."

Shepard shrugged. "What are they going to do? Talk me to death?"

Vega snapped a salute in the general direction of all the senior officers then disappeared around a corner. Shepard stood watching Hackett and Anderson warily before finally stepping inside her quarters. She dropped into the nearest chair, refusing to stand a moment longer and ignoring the fact that she should probably have offered her own salute.

"How are you holding up, Shepard?" Anderson asked.

"Well, they took my ship, my career and even my fucking hamster." Shepard remarked more casually then she felt. "How am I? I am just fucking fabulous. I feel like I've been stripped naked for the whole damn world to see."

Hackett placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she just shrugged it off. Shepard didn't want to be mollified. Pissed the fuck off was how she felt, and it was how she intended to stay until the Alliance recognized the reality of the Reaper threat. Or maybe, she'd just die in the process, wasn't like it would be the first time. She might even stay dead this time for a change.

"Did you really suggest a firing squad?" Anderson asked.

Shepard smiled in spite of her anger. "Maybe, I suggested tar and feathering last week and keelhauling the week before that. I'm starting to run out of historical suggestions for them."

"Is antagonizing the Alliance council really the wisest thing to do?" Anderson unsuccessfully tried to hide a smile.

"Stupid fools." Shepard shrugged at his rhetorical question. "I have to keep my morale up somehow."

"I might be able to help with that." Hackett placed a datapad in her hands.

"Steven?" Anderson frowned. "Orders are that Shepard isn't to receive any intel or messages while under investigation."

Hackett's eyes narrowed on Anderson. "Relax, David, it's simply a few letters from admirers."

The two men continued to argue over the semantics of obeying the letter of the law or the intent for a long while. Shepard tuned them out while she read through the extranet messages from her friends. There was a short note from Garrus who was now on Palaven trying to prepare strike squads for the impending Reaper Invasion. Tali had also sent a rambling note about the quarian fleets that didn't make sense and seemed to involve the Geth. Jack's only had two words, Fucking Idiot. The biotic was always so eloquently succinct, Shepard thought with a laugh. There was nothing from the rest of the squad though.

She was about to hand the datapad back to Hackett when she noticed a hidden file. Pulling it up, Shepard found a series of updates on the status of the fleets and the current preparations being made by the Alliance. Liara was apparently hunting down prothean tech that might help. Only Hackett would think to include that information, knowing that she was probably going insane wondering what was going on. Before she could put her gratitude into words, the two Admirals were gone. Hackett was returning to Arcturus in the morning, and Anderson was attending an emergency meeting. Shepard starting plotting the moment they were gone.

"Dinner?" Vega came in an hour later to find Shepard pacing the room deep in thought. "What's going on, Commander?"

"James," Shepard stopped pacing. "I need a favor."

"This is going to end badly, isn't it?" Vega set the tray of food down with a thud.

"Can I trust you?"

"Yep, this is definitely going to end very badly." He said with a groan before finally nodding.

Implementing her plan had been a lot harder than thinking it up in the first place. But an hour later with the help of Vega's omni-tool, a cloaked Shepard was making her way through the building towards the elevators that went up to the guest quarters. Vega stayed behind to guard outside her door and hopefully deter any visitors.

She stepped into the back of the elevator, carefully avoiding the Major that had stepped on in front of her. It stopped on the fifth floor, letting the Major off and Admiral Hackett on. Shepard bit back a laugh as he glanced around the "empty" elevator with a frown on his face. He finally turned back around and tapped the button for the twelfth floor.

"I can hear you breathing." Hackett remarked just as she was about to touch the back of his neck. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Saying thanks." Shepard placed a light kiss on his neck.

Hours later when she strolled back to the brig to rescue Vega from his sentry position, her mind was replaying every beautiful moment spent with Steven. She could still feel his hands gliding across every inch of her skin once their clothes had been discarded. He paid particular attention to the scars left over from the miraculous surgeries that brought her back to life. His lips followed closely, brushing against the same flesh that his fingers had warmed.

Hackett as an Admiral was stern and stoic, as a lover, Shepard found the same strength combined with tenderness that made her weak at the knees. Over the years, she had been in a few different relationships. The sex had for the most part, always been satisfying. It was different with Hackett. Maybe that boiled down to experience, but somehow, Shepard found that hard to believe. Hackett was a revelation as a lover. It had only been a few moments together, yet it seemed like an eternity and she found herself hungry for more, much more.

"Damned inconvenient war," she muttered before drifting off into a contended sleep.


	11. Chapter 10 – Bury Your Dead

**A/N: **

**Definite spoilers in this chapter.**

**This chapter is a two-part chapter really, part before and the other part after the Citadel coup attempt. **

**The chapter title is homage to one of my other obsessions, NCIS, it was the title of an episode.**

**Shout out to my Beta:** None, all errors my own.

**Bioware owns All**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, follows & favorites, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Ever since waking on Lazarus station, Shepard had developed an aversion to anything that looked or smelled like a hospital ward. She'd been avoiding Huerta Memorial because of that, mostly. Mars had been somewhat successfully in terms of the mission, mostly. Alenko had continued his annoying habit of questioning her loyalties. It was hard to stay angry at the injured Major, but she was trying her best. His last message had finally laid enough guilt on her conscious that she ordered Joker to head for the Citadel. Thane was there as well, and she needed to drop off some information that she had picked up at Grissom Academy anyway.

He looked battered and bruised when she stepped into the room. Udina was an unwelcome sight. The feeling was apparently mutual, if looks could kill, they'd both be dead. She waited for the councilor to leave before turning her attention towards Alenko.

"You look better." Shepard decided that keeping the conversation light was for the best.

Alenko looked up and attempted a smile. "I feel better."

"Good. That's good." Shepard was already regretting caving to the guilt trip in his message. This was beyond painfully awkward.

"Do we need to talk about Mars?" Alenko brought her attention back to the conversation.

"No."

"I think we do."

"Why bother?" Shepard tried to remember to stay calm.

"Can't we just start again? Pretend that I never questioned your loyalties."

Kaidan appeared entirely sincere, yet Shepard couldn't help but think that all the other times that he'd apologized, he had been sincere then as well. She walked over to the floor length windows to look at the traffic flying by on the Citadel. The idea of simply forgetting the constant doubt from Kaidan wasn't an attractive one.

"Shepard?"

"No." She turned back to face him. "No, we can't just start all over. You have spent the last few months questioning me every time that we've seen each other."

"Listen…"

"Enough, Kaidan, enough," Shepard cut him off. "This is pointless; I don't even know why I bothered coming."

"Don't leave it like this. We meant something to each other once," Alenko pleaded.

"There is really nothing left to say." Shepard shrugged off his attempts to call her back.

She stormed out of the hospital into the elevator slamming her fist into the top button. By the time that she got back on the _Normandy, _her temper had reached a dangerous boiling point.

"Commander…"

"Tell Joker to get us back to Tuchanka. We've got a cure to finish." Shepard cut Traynor off then headed up to her quarters to attempt to reign in her temper before suiting up.

The shuttle ride down to Tuchanka provided ample opportunity for Shepard to pick apart the conversation with Alenko. Maybe she shouldn't have put off going to visit him for so long. It might have been better to go immediately after his first message. She needed to get her head cleared for the upcoming fight. Fuck Alenko and his self-righteous attitude, she wasn't going to explain herself or apologize for her behavior yet again. Jackass.

A day or what seemed like a century later, Shepard sat on a crate outside Doctor Bryson's lab taking potshots at the husks head with her N7 Eagle. The mission to Tuchanka had been a success. The coup attempt on the Citadel had been squashed. She should feel like a success, not a complete failure.

"Fuck this war."

The Eagle flew across the balcony, shattering one of the lab windows. All Shepard could see was the look on Kaidan's face as he bled out in her arms. God damn Cerberus, God damn Alenko, why hadn't he listened to her just this once? Why couldn't have just stepped aside to let her deal with that traitorous bastard Udina? They had already managed to save the salarian councilor. Udina had always been gifted with a slippery tongue. His words had played on Alenko's inherent mistrust of Shepard. She hadn't thought her day would end by looking down the barrel of his gun. Why hadn't she just let Garrus or Vega shoot the Major?

But she knew why, it was the same reason that she'd shot up the ranks to N7 so damn quickly. Shepard never shirked away from the difficult decisions that happened in the line of duty. The weight always rested squarely on her shoulders. There was no risk on the field of battle that she wouldn't take in the place of her squad. Today though, that weight felt like it was crushing the life out of her. She bit back the urge to scream as she tried to block the images from her mind. It didn't help that her armor was still covered in his blood.

"Damn you, Kaidan," she swore. Shepard tossed a biotic throw at the nearby tree, then another. "Damn you for not trusting me, for putting your blood on my hands."

With a sigh, Shepard decided it was past time to head back to the Normandy. Once there, she found herself wishing that she'd stayed at the lab. Joker's angry questioning followed almost immediately by Garrus' attempts to mollify and then Liara's overwhelming sympathy and understanding. The icing on her fucked up cake of a day had been a note from Anderson. Turning around, she headed back to the Citadel without another word to anyone.

She found herself back at the lab. It was all but abandoned for the moment. She trudged up the stairs to what had been Bryson's living quarters. Falling face first onto the bed, she fell into a deep sleep that haunted by the voices of dead friends. She woke several times only to drift off again into more nightmares. The sound of a door opening woke Shepard from what she assumed was just a couple hours of sleep. She stood and leaned over the stair railing to find Bailey rushing in with gun drawn; he was flanked on either side by C-Sec officers.

"Bailey?"

"Shepard?" Bailey holstered his weapon. "Where the hell have you been? You do realize that you've been out for almost two days, right?"

"Shit."

"You might want to contact Alliance Command." Bailey suggested before heading for the door. "They've been _concerned_."

Shepard made it across the Citadel in record time. She stepped into the docking bay only to find a very annoyed Admiral waiting for her.

"Did you get lost, Commander?" Hackett was blocking her path.

Shepard was just all out of patience at the moment unfortunately for the Admiral. Without bothering to respond, she pushed past him into the airlock. His breath against her neck made it clear that he wasn't going to let her off that easily. She had no intention of making a spectacle of herself in front of the crew. So she stalked towards the elevator, ignoring comments of concern from Traynor, the ride up to her cabin was silent and tense.

"It was necessary." She broke her silence once the door to her quarters had closed behind them.

Hackett frowned at her in confusion.

"Major Alenko's death was necessary. It was that or let Cerberus succeed in their assassination attempt." Shepard found it impossible to meet the Admiral's gaze. She turned towards her lovely, non-Cerberus fish floating in the aquarium. "He would not step aside."

"I know and I know how difficult this is for you."

"You know?" Shepard glanced at him incredulously. "You've pulled the trigger on a former member of your unit? He bled out in my arms. I'm a marine. I've had blood on my hands after battles, but never Alliance blood."

"This wasn't your fault, Jane." Hackett tried to pull her into a hug but she moved away from his outstretched arms.

"It was my gun…my bullet." Shepard dropped down on the corner of her bed. "I'm a good soldier, though. I took the damn shot."

"You had to take the shot." Hackett sat beside her on the bed. "There was too much at stake for you not to take the shot. If you hadn't, I'm sure Vakarian would have."

Shepard found it impossible to be mollified. She stood and stormed towards the elevator. Hackett stopped her just before she could step inside. The look in his eyes was a mixture of sympathy and concern that Shepard couldn't take. But she allowed herself to be pulled into a hug. With her face buried against his shirt, she could pretend that the world wasn't in flames and that the blood on her hands was gone. There was strength in the arms that tightened around her and maybe it would be enough.


	12. Chapter 11 – Never Again

**A/N: **

**Definite spoilers in this chapter.**

***parade rest is the military's version of a relaxed position lol.**

**Shout out to my Beta:** None, all errors are my own.

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. I appreciate reviews, they keep me inspired to write more. =)**

Shepard found herself back at Bryson's lab for what seemed like the umpteenth time. She was wrapping things up alone. Ann had already left for the crucible, so the lab had become a great place for Shepard to find a quiet moment to clear her head. She collapsed back on to the crates on the balcony and watched the traffic fly past. She could understand why Cortez found the observation deck so peaceful. True to form though, her peace didn't last. A cab pulled up beside hers on the deck. Hackett emerged from the vehicle and strode towards her.

"Don't you have a crucible to build?" Shepard asked.

"I received your report on Leviathan."

"Yes, I know, we spoke over the QEC about it yesterday," Shepard frowned up at him in confusion.

"Lieutenant Cortez also filed his report about the damage to the shuttle and the effects the artifacts had on the engine. He thought that it might help with handling them going forward." Hackett stepped closer towards her, stopping once his legs brushed up against hers. "His reports also mentioned diving mech. 'A barely working Triton ADS that Commander Shepard bravely took into the deep alone to locate the probe along with Leviathan.' End quote."

"Ahh," Shepard ran a hand through her hair nervously. "I was hoping to keep that particularly part of the mission under wraps."

Hackett pulled her up into his arms. "How many damn lives do you think you have?"

"Two?"

He chuckled before resting his head on top of hers. "And how exactly did you get your hands on Oleg Petrovsky?"

"Pirate queen did it." Shepard stepped out of his arms.

"Did you plan on filing a complete report regarding Omega?" Hackett followed her inside the lab.

"No."

"The Normandy was docked at the Citadel for several days during which the entire crew was accounted for with the exception of one," Hackett pointed out.

"That is correct."

"You…"

Shepard stopped his half-hearted interrogation dead in its tracks by stepping forward using her lips to silence his.

"That might be considered unfair tactics." Hackett's lips curved up in a smile against hers.

"Aren't you supposed to be over-seeing the Crucible?" Shepard grabbed him by the shirt-sleeves and led him upstairs.

"Aren't you supposed to be building a fleet?" Hackett smiled at her. It was the smile that caused his eyes to twinkle and her heart to melt.

Shepard tugged him the last few steps towards the bed. The smile in Hackett's eyes turned into something more intense. One thing that she had learned about the man behind the uniform was that he liked to lead, not follow. He gently pulled her fingers from his shirt. His hand reached up to slowly lower the zipper on her hoodie when a familiar synthetic voice echoed through the lab. Shepard muffled a laugh against Hackett's chest before stepping over to look down to find EDI standing at the food of the stairs.

"Commander, we have received an emergency transmission from Admiral Raan. They are requesting the _Normandy's _immediate assistance."

"And you couldn't just send me a message?" Shepard glanced back at Hackett who was tapping his fingers impatiently on the bed.

"Your comm is currently not accepting emergency messages." EDI looked oddly uncomfortable for an AI.

"Yea." Shepard rubbed the back of her neck in frustration. "Give me a moment, please, I'll meet you outside."

"Yes, Commander."

Shepard waited until EDI had stepped back outside and the doors closed behind her before turning back to face Hackett.

"There's never enough time," Hackett complained before pulling Shepard down into his lap.

Shepard wrapped herself around him. Her face buried against his neck. She breathed in deeply trying to memorize the scent and strength of the man embracing her.

"No more diving mechs." Hackett let her slowly disentangle herself and step back.

"No promises. It was a rush." Shepard grinned then leaned down to place a not so gentle kiss on his lips. Then before she could change her mind, she bolted down the stairs and out to join EDI in the shuttle.

Three days later, Shepard was lying on her bed staring up at the stars rushing past through the viewing window. She closed her eyes with a sigh only to open them immediately. The quarian and geth fleets were on their way to join the other fleets. Two for the price of one, the price had unfortunately been Legion's life. Of all the events of the past few days, the short zero gravity walk across the damaged docking tube was what haunted her dreams. She was contemplating shooting something but instead stood and stepped over to her terminal. She needed to talk to someone…to him.

Her fingers tapped anxiously on the desk while she waited for the vid to connect.

"Is everything all right?"

Shepard started to speak but found that words had escaped her. She shrugged at the man in the vid then reached out to disconnect the call. She set the command to refuse incoming messages and decided to head down to the CIC. Councilor Tevos was waiting anxiously on the Citadel so they might as well get on with it.

"Commander Shepard, I've got Admiral Hackett over the QEC requesting to speak with you." Traynor informed her the moment she stepped out of the elevator.

"Please tell him that I am unavailable." Shepard stepped around the Comm Specialist and headed towards the bridge to speak with Joker.

"I'm under orders from Admiral Hackett not to move the _Normandy_ until he speaks with you." Joker didn't even bother to hide his amusement. "And I can't ignore a direct order, can I?"

"Bite me. And get us to the Citadel, now Joker." Shepard resisted the urge to cause physical harm to the smirking pilot and headed back towards the elevator. She stopped to tell Traynor to send Hackett's call up to her cabin then she retraced her steps back to her quarters and personal terminal.

"Shepard." Hackett looked more than a little concerned.

"Sir."

His eyes narrowed. "Is everything all right?"

"Fine. I…"Shepard stammered to a halt, she looked over at her fish tank for a moment then turned back to the vid. "Everything is fine."

"I understand that there was an issue with the docking tube on the geth dreadnought." Hackett pressed on despite her attempts to avoid in-depth conversation.

"Uhm…not exactly." Shepard contemplated disconnecting the call again.

"Don't even think about it," Hackett warned. "What happened out there?"

"The docking tube fell out from under me." Shepard stood at parade rest* to keep her hands from fidgeting. "It was unnerving."

"I imagine it was more than unnerving for someone who was brought back to life after being spaced."

Shepard looked down at her boots to avoid the sympathy in his eyes. "I'm not sure why I… I'm fine. We're heading for the Citadel to meet with Councilor Tevos. I'll let you know what comes of the meeting."

Hackett looked like he was going to argue but finally he just nodded and with his typical "Hackett out." He was gone. With an annoyed sigh, Shepard headed back down to the CIC to make sure that Joker had indeed headed for the Citadel. The sooner that she focused on the war effort the sooner she could forget about the nightmares that haunted her.

The meeting with the asari councilor had been short and to the point. Shepard was on her way to Bay D24 when Traynor informed her that Ann Bryson had left information. Shepard once again found herself hopping into a cab to head over to the lab. She wandered around the lab unable to find any new data. She was on her way out when she noticed someone sitting on the steps to the loft.

"What in the world are you doing here?" She walked up to Hackett stopping just out of his reach.

"You looked like you needed more than comforting words." He stood and stepped towards her. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly against him. "I keep telling you that you aren't alone in this fight."


	13. Chapter 12 – Horrors of War

**A/N: **

**Next up…the Citadel which is the last chapter titled: Lost and Found. I've had it written since before I wrote the prologue. It was the first chapter that I actually wrote and inspired the story really. I might post it tomorrow. Maybe.**

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Shout out to my Beta:** none, all errors are my own, sadly.

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Thanks for all the reviews, it really does help me keep inspired to finish stories and come up with others.**

_War has no mercy and allows for no second chances._

That's what her father had always said when she begged for stories about the First Contact War. He never wanted to go into details about the things that he saw. He was proud of being part of the Alliance but found a deeper meaning in life on the colony. Farming had been a passion for both of her parents. Shepard wasn't sure how her father would feel to know his daughter was not only on the front lines but leading the charge.

Shepard thought about him while staring at the flashing lights that indicated an incoming message over the comm. Thessia was beyond hope of rescue now. It was burning like Palaven, like Earth. It reminded her far too much of that long night on Mindoir so many years ago. The horrors of war just kept haunting her no matter how hard she fought.

"Suck it up, Marine."

Steeling herself for the inevitable, Shepard answered the first call in line that happened to be from Councilor Tevos. There were no words of comfort to offer. The only good thing was that the call was short. It was quickly followed by an unhelpful pep talk from Anderson. After disconnecting with the Admiral, she met with the crew and quickly decided on course of action to head towards Sanctuary. She had taken the time to make sure that Liara was all right. And with the _Normandy _setting a course for Iera, Shepard took a few moments in her cabin to try to gather her thoughts and find some peace. Peace wasn't coming easy to her. She stood in bathroom staring at her reflection in the mirror.

"You can do better." Shepard walked out of the bathroom to check her message but found nothing new, nothing from the one person that she wanted to hear from.

"Commander Shepard, we are ten minutes from Horizon." Traynor's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Tell Garrus and Vega to meet me at the shuttle." Shepard suited up and headed down to the shuttle bay.

"Lola." Vega looked up when she stepped out of the elevator. "Do we know anything more about Sanctuary?"

Shepard shook her head in response then followed Garrus into the shuttle. Horizon brought up bad memories and this second visit wasn't likely to be much of an improvement over the first. The shuttle made good time down to the planet and soon they were surveying the damage to the entrance in to Sanctuary with a sense of foreboding. Finally, she jumped down with Vega and Garrus close behind.

The time that it had taken them to clear out Sanctuary, find Miranda and rescue Oriana seemed insignificant in comparison to the atrocities that they had uncovered. She had headed straight to her quarters, not wanting to deal with the questions or anger from the others. She sat in her armor on the couch in her living area. Her eyes stared blankly at the aquarium. Hackett would want a report, but Shepard wasn't sure there were words to describe what fucking lengths Lawson and the Illusive Man had gone to in their greedy hunt for power. Bastards.

"Commander, you've got a visitor on their way up to your cabin." Traynor's voice broke into her thoughts.

Shepard frowned at the disturbance but stood to head over to the door. It opened to reveal the one man who always seemed to know when she needed someone to lean on for just a moment. The weight of Thessia and Sanctuary had lain heavily on her shoulders. So much so that now that he was here, words failed her. Instead, she simply fell into Hackett's arms and let him hold her.

With his arms tightly around her, he lifted her off her feet and walked slowly into her quarters. He whispered into her ear but she heard nothing. She was too wrapped up in the strength of his embrace. She let him carry her to the bed. He laid her gently on the bed and then eased down beside her.

"You received my report about Sanctuary?" Shepard remarked several hours later.

"I did." Hackett glanced over at the naked woman curled beside him under the blankets. "The fleets will begin preparation for the assault on Cerberus once you're ready."

"I'll sneak in the back with a small squad while the fleet has their attention." Shepard ran a hand along his chest then gently fluttered her fingers across his ribcage. "We'll get the information on the Catalyst."

"I don't doubt it." Hackett reached out to brush the hair from her eyes. "Just make sure that you come back to me after you've done the impossible for the hundredth time."

Shepard let her hand drift down to his abdomen; she smiled at the sharp intake of breath as she moved lower. "Is that an order?"

Hackett reached down to halt the movement of her hand. He pulled her over until she was on top of him. "When have you ever taken orders?"

Shepard leaned down to whisper, "try me."


	14. Chapter 13 – Lost and Found

**A/N: **

**AU-ish in the following ways: The Relays were not damaged; the Geth & EDI were not killed though the Reapers were destroyed. The Citadel was damaged but not destroyed. **

**I fudged a few other details, but this might be my favorite chapter in the story. It's a different side of Hackett that I haven't really seen covered in many other fics.**

**And a shout out to The Watcher 4 for inspiring this chapter. **

**Bioware owns All…except my words. lol**

**Shout out to my Beta:** none, all errors are my own, sadly.

**Read. Enjoy. Review. **

"She made it."

The words were beyond inadequate. Hackett stood in the CIC monitoring the ongoing battle on Earth along with the Crucible as it made the last leg of its trip towards the Citadel. He could hear snippets of Shepard's conversation with Anderson. They were making their way through some area of the Citadel. The audio kept cutting out and they were finding in difficult to connect with either of them.

"Admiral."

Hackett turned to find his XO holding a report for him. He was finally able to get through to let Shepard know that nothing was happening. He glanced briefly down at the datapad in his hands. By the time, he turned back towards the viewing window the crucible was firing up. With a shout, he ordered the fleets to break off and leave the system. He held his breath while they watched the crucible fire. The Reaper signals on his map slowly started to flicker and then they finally disappeared altogether.

They had made it safely out before the explosion and to his surprise, most of the relays were intact. He ordered the fleet back into the SOL system. The damaged Citadel came into view along with a massive debris field. The silence over the comms was deafening. He ordered his ship along with others of the fleet to dock with the Citadel to search for survivors. His XO was busy on the comms coordinating the ground forces with Major Coats who was reporting that all Reaper forces had been decimated. It was imperative that they stabilize the situation on Earth and the Citadel quickly.

They searched the Citadel for days. They found hundreds of thousands of survivors but no Shepard. The bodies of both Anderson and The Illusive Man had been found, but no sign of the commander. With the Alliance Council in ruins, Hackett left search in the hands of the _Normandy_ crew to return to Earth. They were almost as obsessed as he was in the desire to find her. The trouble with being the highest ranking officer left in the Alliance was that he had to run things from Earth. He couldn't sift through the rubble looking for one woman.

***Two Days Later***

"No."

"Admiral."

"I said no." Hackett kept his back turned.

Liara closed the nearby door before trying again. "Admiral, please."

"I will not preside over her funeral for a second time. I will not bury another goddamn empty casket. There are only empty words at memorial services. Hallow prayers offered by multitudes of people who never knew her." His hands clenched tightly at his sides. His voice broke on the last word. "Ask someone else, anyone else."

"She wouldn't want anyone else."

He spun around with anger and grief evident in his clenched fists and flashing eyes. "Get out. Stop plaguing with this, with her. Just leave me alone."

"It will look strange if you don't speak." Liara tried a different tactic.

"Doctor T'soni, I will not ask you again. Get the _hell_ out."

Liara started to speak again but the tears in his eyes caused her to think twice. With a nod, she left him to grieve in peace. Her heart was heavy while she walked through the various tents that had become a make-shift Alliance Headquarters in search of the rest of the _Normandy_ crew. They had been anxiously waiting for the Admiral's response. She found Vega, Cortez, Garrus and Tali all standing under a nearby tent.

"He said no," Cortez hazarded a guess.

"Why would he say no?" Garrus asked.

"I think the Admiral was in love with her, Pendejo." Vega nudged the turian in the shoulder.

"With Shepard?"

Before Vega could respond, an excited Traynor raced up with EDI following close behind. Kasumi brought up the rear with a datapad in her hands. Without a word, Traynor corralled everyone into a more private corner of the Alliance compound across the courtyard.

"What in the spirits is going on?" Garrus asked once they were all inside.

"Hold your talons." Kasumi set the datapad on a table. "Prepare to be shocked and amazed."

"I'm shocked," Vega grinned. "Cortez is amazed."

"If you could all shut up for a moment." Traynor touched a few buttons on the pad and a holographic blueprint of the Citadel appeared.

"We've had an idea," Kasumi started.

"Specialist Traynor was the originator of the idea," Edi corrected.

"Semantics," Kasumi waved a hand at that unimportant detail.

"Will someone just tell us what the damn idea is?" Vega interrupted.

"Hurry up Traynor; the natives are growing restless," Kasumi joked.

Traynor silenced all of them with a look. "We have looked at blueprints that the protheans made of the Citadel. Javik managed to draw more data than what we already knew about."

"And?" Cortez glanced at the blueprints then back at Traynor.

"We found a space above where Anderson's body was discovered." Kasumi pointed to a section of the diagram. "A space that no one knew was there, well aside from the protheans and the Reapers obviously."

"And?"

"And, it is big enough, even with debris to have a human body," Kasumi answered.

"I made preliminary scans with the assistance of the geth and there is a small heat source located in that general area." EDI pulled up the scans.

There was a long silence as the implications of the heat scans sunk in.

"What the hell are we waiting for?" Vega's voice broke the silence.

"It might be nothing at all," Liara tried to keep hope from over-riding reality.

"And it might be Shepard," Tali spoke quietly but firmly. "If she can stand up to the Admirals for me, I can search the Citadel again for her. We all can."

***Six Hours Later***

"Why the devil am I here?" Hackett asked himself for the millionth time.

Liara had convinced him that visiting the injured on the Citadel would do wonders for morale. He had talked to what seemed like an endless stream of injured soldiers with T'soni at his side. The trouble was that his heart simple wasn't in it. He appreciated the sacrifices that had been made by those under his command. He even understood the need for words of comfort. He simply hadn't come to terms with the loss of Shepard. His heart felt as if it were shriveled and dead. Dead as the women that he loved, he turned away from the injured turian on the bed to regain his composure.

"T'soni, get your blue ass up here. We found her." Vega's voice boomed over the comm causing Hackett to turn toward Liara with a confused look on his face.

"Found whom?" Hackett followed her when she rushed out of Huerta Memorial.

"I have no idea."

Hackett trailed her all the way up to the keeper tunnels. They followed the tunnel through to a deep chasm and finally to the control room where Anderson's body had been found. The room started to spin however when he noticed a body surrounded by Vega and others from the _Normandy_. He realized the badly burned body had Shepard's face and.

"She's alive," Vega's voice was barely a whisper but it sounded like a roar to the Admiral.

He collapsed to his knees beside the Lieutenant, tears blurring his vision. He shoved the younger man out-of-the-way. His fingers trembled but he took a moment to steady himself before gently touching her neck. The pulse was barely there, but it was there. Time was clearly of the essence, so he gathered his strength and was once again the indomitable head of the Alliance fleets. Ordering Vega to carry her, he headed back the way they had come towards the hospital. Once at Huerta, he grabbed Dr. Michel and Chakwas and left Shepard in their care.

Three weeks later found Hackett seated beside Shepard. She had been in a coma since they had found her body. The burns were healing slowly but they couldn't figure out why she wouldn't wake up. Hackett left his office to sit beside her every evening. He spent the evening talking until his voice was hoarse always with the hope that she would respond. And every day, he convinced himself that there was some change or improvement.

"Damn it," He squeezed her lifeless hand tightly. "Your death sucked all the color out of my world. Wake up, please Shepard. Just wake up."

He leaned back in his chair with a sigh; it never changed. He felt as if he'd aged thirty years in the last three weeks. Liara had suggested that perhaps he should take a break from his vigil at the hospital to get some real rest. There was no sleep anywhere for him. His dreams were plagued with visions of Shepard's burned body. The quiet nights at the hospital always seemed to draw him back to all those years ago when he first met Shepard.

_Beautiful._

Of all the things that he expected to discover when meeting the hero of the blitz, it had certainly not been her beauty. He had immediately dismissed the very idea of being attracted to her for many reasons that included his age, her youth and a number of regulations that would've sunk his career. Yet, Shepard had left such an impression on him that he had never really managed to get her out from under his skin. He had watched her progress with interest and enjoyed the brief conversations over the comm when she had commanded the first Normandy during Eden Prime War.

With a sigh, he glance at his watch and realized it was time to head back. He leaned over to kiss her cheek and ask the question that he asked every time he left Shepard's side. "See you tomorrow?" He had just reached the door when a weak voice whispered, "yes."

Hackett stood frozen at the door afraid to turn around. For one awful moment, he wondered if his mind had finally snapped under the strain of the last few weeks.

"Steven."

It was the most beautiful sound that he had ever heard. He rushed over to her bed-side, calling for the doctors as he went. There was no time for declarations of love or anything else romantic. Doctor Chakwas quickly pushed him out of the way and began running a long series of tests on the groggy Shepard. He was about to step away to send a message to the _Normandy _crew when a hand grabbed his. He glanced down to find Shepard pulling him back towards the bed. She was having trouble talking but she mouthed one word…_stay_.

Through all the tests over the next hour or so, Hackett remained by her side with her hand gently but firmly held in his own. He relinquished it periodically to allow Chakwas to work but not for long. He ignored the looks from the _Normandy_ crew when they started to arrive one by one to find Shepard awake, alert and holding hands with Admiral Hackett. He was silent while the visitors came. Everyone seemed to want proof that Commander Shepard was alive. He just wanted to talk to her…alone.

"I think that's enough excitement for one day." Doctor Chakwas finally intervened when Wrex and Grunt started to try to convince Shepard to share some ryncol with them. "Everyone out. The Commander will still be here tomorrow and right now she needs to rest."

Shepard laughed then groaned in pain. Hackett looked at the doctor in concern. Chakwas shooed everyone out of the room then stepped over to the bed to increase the dosage of pain medication. Shepard waited for the doc to step away before turning to Hackett with an expectant look.

"I am not everyone," he shrugged.

Chakwas made a discreet exit and Hackett turned to find Shepard starting to drift off to sleep. He leaned down to kiss her gently on the forehead and started for the door. Her hand reached out to stop him. He looked down to find her eyes clear and focused on him.

"Don't go, please."

He nodded and pulled a chair up beside the bed to take a seat. Shepard shifted over on the bed and reached out again to pull him towards her. He removed his dress shirt, draped it over the chair and then eased himself on the bed beside her. He turned on his side to allow Shepard to curl up in his arms. There was just enough room in the hospital bed for both.

"Are they gone?" Shepard rested her head against his chest.

"Who?"

"The Reapers."

"Yes." Hackett found himself momentarily struggling to find the right words for once. "I thought that you were…it's not an easy thing, sending the woman who I love to the front lines. You've been on suicide missions before, but never under a direct order from me. When we found Anderson's body and not yours, I knew I was burying another empty coffins and it damn near broke me."

Shepard reached up to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Nine lives, remember?"

Hackett closed his eyes to attempt to stop the tears. "Let's not test out that theory any further."

Shepard yawned in response.

"I'll take that as a yes." He pulled the blanket up over both of them.

"What do we do now?" Shepard mumbled through another yawn.

"About?"

"Us."

Hackett smiled for the first time in days. "We've got all the time in the world to figure that out together."

"Together? Together." Shepard's words were barely audible. She slowly drifted to sleep in his arms.

"Together." Hackett tightened his hold on her and then for the first time since the invasion, he let himself sink into a deep sleep.

**Thanks to everyone who followed, favorite and reviewed. This is probably the last chapter. I might do an epilogue, but probably not. I'm considering writing another Shep/Hackett series with a renegade Shep. Thoughts?**


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